Heart to Heart: The 20% speaks

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything about love and all that shiz (well, actually anything at all) but since love is still in the air and I’ve been itching to say some things publicly in the hopes that some friends who are struggling with things like this will read it, so yeah, here I am, having a heart to heart with you.

After my last failed relationship, actually the only serious and real relationship I’ve ever had, which ended a gazillion years ago, I swore to myself that I am officially done with love. I was probably around 26 or 27 that time (I don’t remember exactly) but even at that “young” age, I just told myself that I will never put myself through that kind of heartache again.

And then of course a couple of years later I fell in love unrequitedly and got my heart broken again. And again. And again. And again. You get the picture. But the funny thing was that these boys never knew that they did any breaking because everything was all in my head and I never even told them that I liked/loved them. I may have shown it passive/aggressively in a thousand different ways but I never got the chance or took the chance to even say “Hey, I like you that way” or “Hey, do you know that I’m in love with you?”. Part of it was because I was certain they didn’t like me back. Part of it was because of the fear of getting my heart broken, which was funny coz I did get my heart broken nevertheless.

Then one day, I don’t know exactly when, but it must have been around my 30th birthday, I woke up and said to myself, “Hey you know what, you’re okay being alone!”. Okay it didn’t exactly happen that way. There were a lot of tears and bargaining with God and countless, sleepless, overthinking nights when I would ask “What the heck is wrong with me? Am I so ugly, so unlovable, so utterly hopeless that no one would ever want to be with me?”

Well of course, I had a lot of self-esteem and mental health issues on the side that exacerbated that, but those are stories for another time.

It was a long, painful journey until I could honestly tell myself that I’m okay to be single forever and that I don’t even desire to get married or get into a relationship. And then I started telling friends. And then I started making public declarations. At first people were like “Don’t say that, you’re still young” or “There’s someone out there for you” or “God did not intend for you to be alone” or even “Have you tried becoming gay or something?”.

But eventually, the people close to me started believing me. And eventually, it just became an accepted fact that I like being single and that I’ll probably be single forever. And 80% of the time, it is true.

Still, there’s that 20% inside me that sometimes creeps up in the middle of the night and makes me question myself and makes me long for things that are out of my reach and makes me question God about His plan for my life, romance-wise.

There’s that 20% that gets annoyed when people talk about who among us are still single and need a love life and they don’t even consider me because by now they probably think I’m asexual or something.

There’s that 20% of me that has been in love with this man for the last almost 3 years of my life and still sometimes longs and dreams for that person to love me back.

There’s that 20% of me whose heart still breaks whenever she realizes that she will never receive love letters or chocolates (flowers, I’m okay not to get those) or get asked out on dates or will get proposed to.

There’s that 20% of me that ugly cries over romance books and movies because she knows that kind of love may not be meant for her.

So yeah, the 80% of me that’s sure about what I want and who I am in Christ often wins this battle and I am thankful for those days. But every once in a while, on a dark, sleepless night, the 20% claws her way out of the abyss of my apparently still-beating heart and makes itself known.

There is no conclusion to this post, just like there is no conclusion to my journey just yet. Let’s see what happens. The only thing I’m sure of is that no matter what happens to this part of my life, I have a God who loves me whether I end up single or not, whether my heart is broken or whole, whether I am in love or just happily oblivious to love.

And that is the only thing that matters at the end of it all. And that in this entire journey, He is there in the pain and in the joy.