Do what You will

“God sees through your heart.”

Should be comforting words right? But these words fill me with dread and trepidation and unease and discomfort. Because if He could see the real me, then He would turn away in disgust. Strip away all the layers of pretension, of trying to make myself look good, of pretending I’m okay, and all you have left is a flawed, messed up, and yes, oftentimes evil soul. Who would not turn away from that?

But wonder of wonders, He did not. He could really see through me and He loves every fiber of my being. Not because I’m particularly lovable underneath all that. But because He chose to do so. Because He sees me through the Blood of His Son who died in my place. Because He is God. Because He sees through me, beyond even that layer of evil that is underneath the heart I choose to present to the world. And He sees His creation

And that still brings a bit of dread and comfort all at the same time. Because then it means it’s no use trying to fool Him into thinking I’m all that. Because I’m definitely not, no matter how much I desperately try to trick others into thinking I have it together.

But it’s in the admission that I am nothing special, in the acceptance that I will never be enough, then comes surrender; surrendering myself into becoming the person that He is trying to make me into. It’s not true that He does not take into consideration the desires of my heart. If I am truly becoming attuned to Him, then my heart starts becoming more like His. And my desires become not my own, but His.

This will not come overnight. Heck, I don’t think this will even come in 10 years. Or 20. Or 30. And it won’t be pretty. In fact, it might bring more pain, heartache and might literally cause me my earthly life. But I will be transformed. He will transform me. And the reward? Him. Even if it’s only Him in the end, it should all be worth it. And even while I’m saying and typing this, there’s a struggle in me, rejecting the idea that there should be more than just Him. But we all know that at the end of it all, we will know and understand that He really is our just reward.

So here I am. Do what You will, even if I rebel and struggle against that will, do what You will.