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Only for a moment

*written 6 years ago and yet the memory is still vivid enough

 

I can still see it so clearly in my head, it’s scary and funny and peaceful all at the same time.

I rush home to work after another challenging day reading and writing about books. I open the door, take a deep breath, ready for the chaos that will greet me

Then I see him sitting in his favorite chair, reading a book as always. He looks up, smiles, then goes back to his book while asking me the usual “how was your day?” questions

I am not offended, coz that’s how he has always been and that’s one of the reasons I fell in love with him

I sit beside him, put my feet on his lap and he absent mindedly starts rubbing them, knowing how I need it everyday

I remind him that I have to wake up at 2AM because Liverpool has a game, and he smirks and snickers, “Gads, you’re such a geek!”. This coming from the man who has read Lord of the Rings a hundred times.

Then I hear the sound of small feet on the stairs and I brace myself for a hug attack

“Maaaaaammmeeeee!!!”

A 4 year old bundle of joy rushes into my arms and peppers me with her never-ending questions, never waiting for answers, just needing to get the words out of her preternaturally curious head

“’Do we really have to take a nap in the afternoon to grow taller? Didn’t you take naps when you were a kid? Why do I have to wait til I’m 6 to go to a real school? If we don’t believe in Santa Claus but others kid believe in him, will he become real someday? Why does my playmate not have a TV in his house? How will he know what will happen to Dora next? How come all kids have to eat their veggies but you don’t have to?”

I inhale her lemongrass scent and try to make sense of her questions, but I know I never will be able to answer them all to her satisfaction. And so I just breathe her in

He reminds me that maybe it’s time to eat already. But wait, I have to check my email and my tumblr and tweet all the new questions that our lovely-but-suddenly-becoming-rambunctious-due-to-chocolates-she-consumed daughter

Okay, so he then reluctantly leaves his book and drags her to the kitchen while reminding me, “15 minutes only please”. My heart swells because I prayed for someone who totally gets me. He does totally get me. Most of the time at least.

As I hear the rattling of the plates and spoons and forks, I wonder how I became so blessed. And then I tweet that exact sentence.

As we sit down the table, I smell the coffee brewing in the background and I listen to her incessant chatter and watch him lovingly look at her. My fork falls to the floor and I automatically pick it up.

When I get up, I realize that the table is empty. The room is filled with me, my coffee, my thoughts. No one else

And my heart breaks just a little for me and the family that lived in my head for those few minutes.

And then I remembered that this is the path I have chosen. And I smile because I remember too that I am happy for the silence and the peace that comes with it.

They lived but only for a moment. There was a twinge, but only for a moment. And in that moment, like all the times before, I cried out to God. And He heard me and gave me the peace that surpasses understanding.


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