On a clear day on January, I had to do one of the most difficult things I've done in recent years: I came face to face with myself and with my God, and finally admitted things I hated about myself, how much I hated myself, why I hated myself and how that was robbing me of joy. If I was younger, there would have been tears, recrimination and even more pain. But now there weren't any tears but it doesn't mean there wasn't any less pain.
But then God led me to take another step and that is to share a bit of what I was going through with other people by writing about it and also by speaking about it in front of people I know, people I don't know that much, and people who knew me well. Not to gain sympathy or gather compliments (although the reassurances I got afterwards were always welcome and a balm to the soul), but to maybe let someone know who is going through the same thing that they are not alone. And believe me, it is a comfort to realize that what you're feeling doesn't make you weird or evil or hopeless case. Because sometimes, we are on a journey together, and to know that even if you are taking different paths, but knowing that there is someone out there going through similar things, helps a lot.
But baring your soul, or at least part of it isn't always fun. It is difficult enough to share your deepest feelings with people who know and love you, even if you have the assurance that they will love you no matter what. It is even more difficult to bare even just a fraction of it to people who do not know you, who might not understand, who might think your problems are nothing compared to what other people are going through, who might judge you. But it is most difficult to actually bare your soul to God and to yourself, to face all your inadequacies and your real feelings, your real pains, the things that only you can see and know and that you dare not let anyone else see.
It is hard because you know once you have admitted what is wrong and what is painful, you cannot remain where you are right now, hiding and letting these things fester because you are afraid of what will happen if you peel off the layers one by one. But you know you have to deal with it, as tedious and as painful as the process may be, because in order to heal, this has to happen.
And so this part of my blog will be part of that healing process. If you join me on this journey, thank you for reading my words. And thank you for walking this path with me. Let's see where the good Lord leads me.
And if you too are going on a similar path, learning to love and accept yourself scars and flaws and all, your words spoken or written in private or in public will be very much appreciated.
My Lord is leading me to move, and as Obiwan Kenobi told Rey, "These are your first steps."